By Sophia Godkin PhD
Have you ever wondered why some relationships flourish and others, well, don’t?
It all comes down to these three things:
- how well you know yourself,
- how well you know the other, whether they’re a friend, family member, colleague, or romantic partner, and
- what you do with what you know (and what you don’t know)
We’ve got all the information you’ll ever need, from how you perceive and experience your first date to how you think, act, and feel if and when it unfolds into something more!
Welcome to ‘The Connector: In Dating, In Sex, and In Love’, where we ask the question “How does this cherished mind-body type perceive, receive, and thrive in the experiences of dating, sex, and love?”
Where does your mind-body type put you in the dating game, the mating game, and the love zone?
Are you interested in seeing what your HealthType reveals about you as a partner, friend, and lover but don’t yet know your type? Click here to find out in just 3 minutes and uncover a whole new world of possibility, capability, and lovability.
You thrive on attention and affection.
As a Connector, you are extremely personable, approachable, and you might even be charismatic. People are drawn to you because of your positive, passionate, and enthusiastic nature. And because you’re easy to talk to and easy to form a bond with, other people’s attention naturally gravitates toward you.
In dating, you will show your partner lots of attention and affection. And though you largely fall on the extraversion side of the spectrum, it’s likely that you do still love your space. As you grow increasingly fond of your partner, however, they will become the exception to this preference of yours. And as much as you enjoy showering your partner with attention and affection, you love and expect to receive the same in return even more.
If you’re considering dating a Connector, put your phone on airplane mode and into your pocket, and focus all your attention on them. They really value presence and attentiveness, and will notice every conscious effort you make to shower them with yours. Also, know that the more you feel secure in yourself and in the dating relationship, the better. If you’re insecure in yourself and/or the relationship, you may be tempted to perceive their friendliness, confidence, and occasional desire to be the center of attention as flirtation. While they do love a good flirt, it’s usually not for a selfish reason. Most of their actions exist to bring joy to those around them, whether through a smile, a laugh, or an exciting moment to remember. When it seems to be about them, it’s really about you.
As a Connector, you are a lover. Of people. Of ideas. Of life. While you are with your dating partner, your attention will be completely to them yet will also be shared among the many ideas and interests you have outside of them. In fact, it’s likely that you want to be someone’s one and only but depending on your specific interests, passions, and personality, your partner may be one of several while you are dating.
It all comes down to how it makes you feel.
While you might be drawn to certain qualities and characteristics in a person, at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter what job they have, how much money they make, and where they see themselves in 15 years. If you feel happier and more alive when you’re with them, they’re a shoo-in.
You enjoy a good time and you love to keep dating light and fun in the beginning. But you crave so much more than the surface stuff! Your light hearted pleasantries and flirtations are only part of the whole picture of who you are; you are equally deep, soulful, and enamored with experiencing life in its deepest forms. A deep, genuine and emotional connection reminds you of what’s possible and leads you to feel inspired by life moment upon moment, day upon day.
It won’t be enough for your potential partner to be attractive or appealing to the masses; to catch your attention, they will need to stand out as someone with mind and heart unlike the rest and around them, you will need to feel invigorated about life like never before.
How will you feel as someone dating a Connector? After being in the company of a Connector, you will undoubtedly feel better about life, a feeling that will likely make you want to come back for more. Many of us, after all, are chasing that experience of happiness that Connectors, at times, almost effortlessly exude.
Settle? Not you.
As someone who is curious about people and enthralled with the possibility of understanding people at their core, you’re likely to have lots of dating options. Because you are naturally accepting, you’ll be drawn to give a chance to most who want it, but thanks to your intuitive people-reading capacities, you’ll be able to quickly gauge whether there is enough excitement and meaningfulness in it for you to consider dating.
What are you looking for? You want someone who, like you, is always wondering about and practicing ways to better themselves, someone who wants to learn about and explore the world around you as much as you do, someone with whom you can go deep and experience all of life with. All in all, you’re looking for something that lasts, something meaningful, something that’s low-pressure and high-fun, something that inspires you to be a better you.
Dream your dreams, Connector. It’s who you are. A dreamer and an idealist at your core, you tend to have an undeniable, idealized view of the world, all of its possibilities, and all of the people in it. When considering your future partner, there is an ideal that you’re hoping to fill, and you are set on creating the perfect relationship with the perfect partner. Unlike some others who are content with something that feels “just good enough” (though many won’t admit it), youll neither rush nor settle until you find Mr or Mrs Right who fulfills all (or most) of your desires.
Your tendency to conjure up incredible possibilities of partners and life experiences is a quality that renders life exciting and full of possibility, yet it may also lead you to feel disappointed or bored with reality when reality isn’t catching up to your ideals as quickly or closely as you’d like.
Keep on dreaming of that perfect person, dear Connector. And as you do, let your potential partner show you who they really are instead of projecting an image of who you’d like them to be. Because at the end of the day, what you truly want is the most real, genuine version of them that allows for a real, genuine relationship to emerge with them. Wouldn’t you agree?
When you love, you love big.
There is no half heartedness for you, dear Connector. If you’re in it, you’re in it fully. As things begin to get serious with your partner, your relationship and your partner quickly become the #1 priorities in your life.
As the partner of a Connector, know that they will always be there to support you. They will be incredibly thoughtful and considerate, remembering little details about you and your life that make you feel like you’re the center of theirs. They love to make people feel special and will show you lots of attention and affection, mostly through words, and sometimes also through actions (eg gift-giving). They will do a lot to make you happy because, after all, in their words “you happy = me happy.”
As a Connector, recognize your natural affinity to please others, and don’t forget to do the same for yourself. Especially if you are a Connector who shares some qualities with the Guardian HealthType, be sure not to overlook your own needs in lieu of fulfilling your partner’s.
For a portion of Connectors, love is the foundation of life. “It’s a way of being with people authentically and loving them unconditionally. It’s also the little actions we take every day to show people we care,” as expressed by Helene L., a female Connector. And it’s all about learning and wholeheartedly accepting the entirety of someone – their strengths, their passions, their fears, their weaknesses, their mistakes. For these especially deep Connectors, a decision to enter into a committed long term relationship is much more about the union of two souls than simply about doing things together.
As their partner, if there is one and only one thing you do, let it be to accept and appreciate them for who they are in return. Love them in all their brilliant qualities, and in their imperfections too. And believe in them. When they know without a doubt that you believe in them, they will climb mountains and achieve all of their wildest dreams!
For some Connectors, their natural abundance of love may take on an unhealthy form in which they excessively do things for their partner to try and make sure that their partner doesn’t fail. For these Connectors who have a strong inclination to “rescue” others, it’s important to recognize that while this action comes from a giving state of mind, it also exists to preserve their peace of mind and prevent them from feeling disappointed by controlling the life experience of someone they love. If you find yourself saying “oh my, that’s me,” not to worry. From this day forward, resolve to try and focus more on who you are and how you are living. Make it a priority to try and accept how your partner is living, recognizing that your journeys are likely quite different though you may be living them together. Let your partner live as they need to learn the lessons they need to learn at the pace they need to learn them. I promise, it will all turn out okay.
You use your intuition to create a beautiful relationship.
You, loveable Connector, are unfailingly intuitive to feeling states, both your own and those of others. As an adult, you are usually very emotionally aware and intelligent, which means you will often pick up on how your partner is feeling without them needing to say anything, and oftentimes you will be able to sense what they need without them saying it.
You are also one of the HealthTypes who is most likely and willing to work on themselves, so even if conflict regularly arises in your relationship, you tend to be a good partner to sift through the mess with.
Be mindful though, to not let your incredibly keen awareness of others’ feeling states drive you bananas. Thanks to this incredible perceptiveness of yours, you may perceive hidden meanings in what your partner does or says that may or may not be there. You may also be inclined to take responsibility for what is going on in the inner emotional worlds of the people around you, especially your partner. Make it a practice, as you pick up on the feeling states of your partner, to say to yourself, “hey, this might not have anything to do with me.” By letting yourself off the hook that you often unnecessarily hang by, you will be able to be the present and supportive partner that you genuinely are.
Excitement, freedom, and possibility keep your relationship going strong.
As a Connector, you won’t settle for anything less than living life to the fullest. Especially as you gravitate closer to the Activator end of the spectrum (the HealthType hybrid we lovingly call the “Connectivator”), stagnation and ‘the same old thing’ day after day may very well lead you to feel discontent with your relationship and potentially to wander on to another one. The further you gravitate away from the Guardian end of the HealthType spectrum, the more the idea of living a typical, cookie-cutter life with a standard 9-5 job and evenings and weekends on the couch are likely to dissatisfy you.
You are so thrilled about the possibilities of what life has to offer and having someone who shares this perspective will guarantee that you can bond through your experiences and maintain closeness for a long time to come. As the partner of a Connector, you’ve got to be able to appreciate their zest for living life fully, and to come along if that’s what the two of you decide. Experiences that spice things up, opportunities for the relationship and the people in it to reinvent themselves regularly, and compassionate, consistent communication are an absolute must. As beautifully expressed by Yolanda Q., a female Connector, “Life is a journey and it’s way more fun to go on the journey together. Integrity, resourcefulness, optimism, a sense of play, and great communication are the baseline qualities needed for it to work.” Because breaking someone else’s heart breaks yours a little bit too and because you might see a relationship that doesn’t work out as a failure, it might take you a while to bow out of a relationship once you notice it’s no longer promoting your growth. Eventually, however, you’ll do it anyway. Because at least you’ll never have to live with the regret of settling for someone with whom attaining true happiness isn’t a likely possibility.
Once you find the right person for you- the one who accepts you for you, who encourages you to dream big, with whom life is exciting and full of possibility, and around whom you have the freedom to be yourself and to express yourself always, you will be on cloud nine. And for the right person, you will be the passionate, warm, lively bundle of love and joy they’ve been looking for all their lives.
Your partner is always satisfied.
You love sex, you love to make people happy, and you do both extremely well. When you see that your partner is pleased, you become even more aroused and capable of enjoying the experience with him/her to its maximum.
This natural desire to please coupled with your sensual awareness and curiosity, open mind, and intuitive attention to your partner’s in-the-moment desires make you a wonderful lover. You welcome and are open to exploring any of your partner’s sexual curiosities without shame or judgment. You know, at the core of who you are, that everyone is different and you try to honor those differences as much as you can in sex and in life.
For these reasons and many more, your partners find you to be physically and emotionally seductive, present, and a lot of fun to be with. As your trust and connection with your intimate partner grows, so too does your sexual confidence, openness, and potential for playfully exploring your wildest desires and reaching new physical peaks together.
There’s got to be an emotional connection.
Sex, for you, is all about the emotional connection. It’s all about feeling the love. If it isn’t meaningful and it doesn’t cause you to feel love and connection, it isn’t enjoyable. This is why you’re unlikely to engage in casual sex far long after your young adult experimental phase (if you even have one). Physical intimacy, for you, is only as good as the emotional intimacy between you, and it serves as an opportunity to share the whole of who you are with another – not just your body, but also your mind, your heart and your soul.
As Robert Augustus Masters, PhD says, “the most powerful aphrodisiac is full out connection” and this sentiment is truer for no one but you, lovely Connector. Look into my eyes… look into my soul… can you see yourself there?
Take time to play… foreplay.
Engaging your felt senses can be quite erotic for you, Connector. Whether a stroke of your arm, a breath onto your neck, or a gentle caress of your thigh, the nuances of foreplay excite you. You’re not in a rush to get into the act of sex itself. You’re happy to stay in admiration, exploration, and satisfaction of each other’s bodies, giving into each sensual moment without rushing on to the next. Each encounter for you is a shared experience with another human, a merging of energies that invites you into the depths of their soul, and you approach the experience light heartedly and without unnecessary seriousness. Such a perspective and a focus on foreplay helps to give you the continuous and novel stimulation you need, keeping it fun, fulfilling, and fresh as you continue to explore your physicality with one partner repeatedly over time.
Now that you have a better understanding of yourself and of the people in your life with whom you relate, use this understanding to come together rather than criticize, to find common ground rather than make others wrong, to create unity rather than build a divide, to move forward rather than rehash past mistakes, and to build relationships that work for you rather than comparing yours to the relationships that exist around you. And remember too that your ability to feel loved and to render others with a feeling of love comes down to not just what you do with what you know, but also what you do with what you don’t know. Let yourself and the people in your life be uniquely them. Drop your expectations, show them who you are and let them show you who they are. Have fun. Let them surprise you, and maybe even surprise yourself.
The HealthType classifications can be a wonderful way to understand yourself and the people in your life better as you navigate the terrain of friendship, dating, romantic relationship, love, and sex.
As you use these classifications to understand yourself and the people with whom you share this life better, remember that each type represents a tendency, not an absolute. And while there are six HealthTypes, there is only one of you. No one person is the same as another, and no one relationship is the same as another. Who you are as a friend, dating, relationship, or sexual partner is a function of your HealthType, and also your culture, conditioning, environment, past experiences, your current state of mind, and your current state of heart.
How will you create fulfillment in your own dating, sex, and love life? Leave us a comment below!